DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT

I have never embraced the role of stupidity like I did now more than ever, a chance to make my move and salvage whatever remained of this union we had for over six years, I fumbled it hopelessly, shaking like a wet rat. I stood there anticipating his review, my hands were clenched to the tray I brought his food in.

I was punctilious with my waiting, for him to taste the food has always been a ritual, one he initiated.

“Too much salt,” flippantly his verdict came after taking a spoonful from the porridge beans I served him.

‘How?’ I thought to myself, I made sure to follow all the instructions I watched on youtube, tasting the food at intervals and seasoning when necessary.

“Salt?” I muttered.

“You’re many things Unlali, but a deaf isn’t one of them.” he said, this time looking at me scornfully. “Take this -” lacking the insulting word to call it as he points his finger towards the plate of hot porridge beans “-thing” he finally found the perfect word, one that won’t hurt my feelings.

“Take it out of here.” he said, briefly waving his hand in discontent.

I cleared his plates like instructed, remember it was a ritual and different rites were observed, after I had taken the food to the kitchen, usually I would cover it up and keep in the freezer, set to microwave it later, because somehow he would always ask for the same food to devour hurriedly, like one who ran a marathon.

But this time was different, I did not preserve the plate of food like I always did. I returned to the living room and knelt before him. Immediately, his saliva found a resting spot on my left cheek. I dare not wipe it off.

“Barren woman” he said, one of many compliments he blessed my ears with as the time proceeded.

“For the past five years, your womb has done nothing but swallowed up whatever entered.” he reminded, but somehow forgets in his ocean of deceit, his hands has always found my body as the perfect object to hit as a punching bag, it was so strategic, it only waited till he knew I was pregnant, everything I would do at that point made his skin itch. He would hit me till the foetus in my womb tapped out.

I have lost count on how many miscarriages I had faced in the hands of this man, I used to wonder why I still remained faithful to him, even when Tuga, the fine businessman had offered to take me away from my husband and give me a better life, somehow I believed Batu the man I married few years ago will come back to his senses and love me.

“Do you think any man would want you if you left me?” he cupped my breast in his hands, letting his finger motion around my nipples.

“With these fallen breasts you carry, do you think anyone would want a divorcee? Especially when her ex husband is alive to ruin her name?”

They might have fallen, but they still managed to get him hard as I spotted the bulge in between his thighs, true no child has ever sucked my breasts, neither has it been able to produce milk. Batu was the only man to ever see me bear, hold my breast just like he held it now and thrust into my body with the horrific size of penis he hid in his trousers.

I told my friend Senny that no girl will be able to tempt Batu to having an affair with them, at the early stage of marriage, blinded by love, whatever was mine, was his and his were mine, there were no secrets between us, even when his lousy secretary made a move on him, Batu did not hesitate to tell me.

“Senny, I trust my man, he can never cheat on me, I swear with the child in my womb.” I said, the look in Senny’s eyes as she shouted.

“Ahhhhhh! May the heavens not allow this, I want to be a godmother,” she screamed in her shrill voice.

“I know what I am telling you, if there are Five good men in this world Batu is four of them and your fiance is the last one.” I defended myself.

“Unlali, denial is a river in Egypt, I don’t even trust my fiancé anymore. I caught him in the act with his so-called cousin that comes to cook for him every now and then.” she said, restraining her eyes from tearing up.

"I forced myself to accept a reality that does not exist, please don't do the same" she said looking at me as she fought back her tears.

She had explained everything to me about how her whole body was crumbling when she found out, she was too ashamed to tell anyone, the wedding date has already been fixed and all she could do was ghost everything. Something about it made shivers crawl down my spine. I became more watchful of Batu and when I confronted him about the condoms I found in his pockets, that was when I lost my first child. 

He blamed me for everything, his inability to control his anger and settle things amicably upon confrontation was my fault, he further blamed me for being literate, how I was able to read the chats he had with his lover…he blamed for everything and how my breast sagged above my abdomen was all my fault.

“No, no man would want a divorcee while her husband is still alive to ruin her name.” I repeated his exact words.

Our ritual was over, this is the part where he picks up his phone -

“Hello?” 

- pretends to have an urgent call from the office -

“What! How many shares are at stake?”

- grabs his keys,

“I am on my way, don’t let them leave without seeing me.”

and leaves me at home to go see his lover.

“Ready my bathing water, I will be back in an hour, I just got a call from the office.” he said, a cheat with courtesy, he spares me the grace of knowing what he is in fact not up to.

Usually I would run to ready the water as ordered, but this time, I cleaned his dripping saliva off my cheeks, stood up to wash all the utensils and plates used in cooking, afterwards  I sat on the chair and watched as seconds ran on the clock.

Today was different, after years of wondering why I never left the marriage - Senny suggested it was the irresistible size of his penis and how well he knew how to use it - she was wrong, little did she know my sex life and its pleasure rested at the tip of my fingers and how well I was able to use them.

I realized that I remained in the marriage so no woman would suffer what I suffered in the hands of an abusive cheat. 

The food I had served Batu was poisoned, one that kills within a specific time. It took me years to master the routine, count the seconds and minutes during our little ritual, how long it took him to insult me and when he would leave the house to see his lover.

How certain am I that Batu was going to see his lover? In the next twelve minutes, I would know if I had killed an innocent man or not.

I climbed the stairs to our bedroom and laid lavishly on the bed, inhaling a new air of peace, such profound freedom I never knew I would experience in my lifetime, he had said divorcing him would never fix me, but his death will bring sympathy from all and sundry, especially when everyone would know he died in the hands of his mistress.

I spread my legs wide open and dug for my clit through my skirt and deep inside my underwear, there I caressed it in a circular motion, slowly pressing on it and bringing myself to wetness, with the other hand I cupped my breasts and rubbed my nipples till they were darkened and erect. Just as I was about to climax, my phone which laid next to me rang. It was the twelve minute timer I set that went off and immediately a call from my husband came.

I swiped the green call on my icon phone to the left, letting the call go through.

“H…hel…hello,” the voice trembled.

“Who?” I asked.

“Help me ma, it’s Susan you saw me at your house a few years ago.” she said.

Could I have forgotten? Unlali is many things but a deaf? she is not. I remembered her voice, the lady my husband had brazenly introduced to me as his new personal assistant, coddling her each time I asked her questions, almost like her needed no utterance from her. She took her job too seriously as she began assisting him with his sexual needs.

“Are you with my husband at the office? Did he forget something?” Oh Unlali, I amaze myself sometimes.

“N..noo-” she stuttered.

 “what?” I was too impatient.

“-we are at Kwanadutu Hotel and Resorts,” she said.

“Oh the meeting was shifted to there?” I asked.

Kwanadutu Hotel has always been my dream staycation hotel, one I had begged my husband to take me to so we could spend quality time together, I remembered telling him how luxurious that place was and he blatantly refused, now he spends his time in it with Susan, his P.A

“Ma, Mr, Batu is dead!” she cried. “He’s not responding, I don’t know…”

I ended the call, called the police and drove to the crime scene, while driving I reminisced on all the hurts I have been through in his hands, I needed the right amount of tears to look like the victim.

‘Rest in peace Batu’.

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